25 Weeks and Counting

I went for my visit with the doctor this morning. It turns out that the baby is doing well, his heart rate in the 150s, and he is growing nicely in there. (I have the stretch marks to prove it!) My blood pressure and everything are good still (that was a shocker, considering) and I gained two pounds which apparently is good.

I found out that I have type O-negative blood, so that means I have to have a shot of Rho-GAM at next visit, after I drink some orange syrup and hang out in the waiting room for an hour waiting for them to suck my blood and test it for sugar levels. Or, if there was any justice in the world, they could let me just TELL THEM that I'm not under the influence of gestational diabetes and let me be on my way. I had to request the day off from work for the appointment. Hopefully, the Idiot will REMEMBER that and actually give me the day off (unlike today) because I have a feeling I'm going to seriously crash from that sugar high and I will need to spend the day taking a nap.

I also asked the doctor about stress levels at work. He told me to try to not let it get to me, and if it started causing issues with the pregnancy, then he might be able to advise that they lower my hours or put me on disability, but until there is a problem with the baby, there is little he can do for me. I did mention that I have not been allotted time to take a break and eat. He wrote me a note stating that "Vanessa needs to be able to take a break and eat because she is pregnant." Sounds stupid, huh? You wouldn't think that a person would need to have a note from their doctor in order take a lunch break, but apparently I do.

I sent an e-mail to my District Manager concerning the amount of time I am left to run the store by myself or even just alone on the sales floor by myself and unable to rest. She replied that she would call me later, but she was in a meeting until 8 tonight so I figure she will call me tomorrow. I also asked her when I could be transferred. Hopefully soon. I can't take all of the stress anymore. When I get home I just want to relax and most of the time I can't.

Michael and I have been fighting a LOT! Every night for the past three nights. I just don't have the energy for it. We keep getting into arguments about stupid things and I just end up with my feelings hurt and we spend our evenings not talking to each other until the next day when the whole thing starts over again. He says it's my fault, I say it's his fault and neither of us is willing to just give in and apologize. (I believe that a pregnant woman should not have to apologize for anything, but Mike doesn't agree.)

I spend a lot of time lately feeling depressed. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to feel fat and ugly, and nobody tells me that I'm doing a beautiful thing and I'm beautiful for doing it unless I tell them that's what I want to hear. (Thanks Heather... I love you!) My lower back is really starting to be pulled on because of the extra weight and my feet have been KILLING me when I get home from work every day. I didn't realize that being preggers would cause every pair of my shoes to become instantly uncomfortable overnight. I asked Michael to rub my feet a few days ago after I got home from work and his response was, "When are you going to rub mine?" HAHAHA! He was trying to be funny. It wasn't.

I'm still dreading the thought of being a mother. It scares me to death! I really don't think I can do it. I can take care of the baby, no prob. But the raising him to be a person, I'm not so sure. I can't even stop being a potty-mouth when I drive... I've been trying. I keep thinking that the boy would be better off if I just out him up for adoption, but there's no way I could ever do that. This is probably my only chance to have a baby, so I need to just pull myself up by my bootstraps and figure out a way to teach my son to be a better person than his parents are.

It just worries me that with my history of nervous breakdowns that I will not be the mother that he deserves. What if I can't handle the stress? What if I lose it? What if I can't do it? How am I going to explain to him that it's my fault that his life sucks and he has no coping skills? Where is he going to learn that from, if not from his mother? How do I make sure that he will respect himself and others, especially women, if half of the time I'm not a respectable person myself? There are attitudes and prejudices that his father and I have that I DO NOT want our son to learn. How do I get around that? I can try to adjust my attitude, but I have no control over Mike! I really don't know what I'm doing bringing a child into this world!

Everyone tells me that being a mom is hard, but it's the best thing a woman can do. They say it comes naturally. If that's the case, then how are there so many fucked up kids in the world? There were quite a few when I was growing up, I'm sure there's even more now. How do I keep my son on the right track?

Hell, how do I keep MYSELF on the right track?